Since I read my admittance letter for Pomona, I feel like the beautiful, complicated feeling of acceptance has become all the more foreign to me. Every moment I walk the pathways of the college, a wave of anxiety permeates the once welcomed state of content I experienced early on in my career. That was especially true and untrue of my past semester.
As a sophomore, I cried so many nights and slept less than I thought my body could endure. I listened to people admit their faults and express their ambitious goals. It was not easy to conclude, almost every day, that I did not what my purpose was in all of the tension rampant on campus. To be a college student in America these past few months, particularly a student of color from a low-income family, was a challenge more difficult than completing the five finals I faced the last week of school. I do not want to experience that immense sadness and disillusionment to the extent that I did this incoming year. I felt like I placed myself in positions in which I was vulnerable too often. I would not recommend saying “yes” to talking to everyone who asks you your feelings or attending every social justice event held on campus. It may seem like a obligatory occasion. However, I would advise students who want to be involved to understand their limits. Because even though we want to feel invincible, we have them.
I understand that it is a completely selfish act to take care of myself, to make myself happy, but like Audre Lorde stated, it is necessary to self-preserve. So that is why, despite the negativity that pervaded campus throughout the semester, I experienced incredibly positive interactions with the people who simply give me “life” itself. This year I want to continue to develop the friendships I have with those individuals. I want to read for fun in between reads for class, and I want to “go out.” I quote that because sometimes I do not know how to “go out” but I would like to be out on the town or some place new this year.
College, I have not completely got the experience down. I still struggle with the opportunity to attend Pomona College. Coming back to Waukegan for break has made me feel so out of place even at home.
In-between.
I realize my journey has been an in-between balance. In between friendships that are worthwhile and ones that are not; in between assignments; in between a student and a simple child. It makes me so nostalgic, these experiences that have been ever so challenging with each day. I look at my friends so closely, I can trace out the smiles on faces and curves that have lengthened their features.
I will never be ready to grow up. I just have to.
So this year, I am going to do that in the best way, the healthiest way possible for me.